I want to stick my p in your. b.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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