seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
