Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
