so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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