highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
