Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
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I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize