Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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