pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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