Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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