Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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