I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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