My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
