Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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