Got a toothbrush?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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