He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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