If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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