Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
