This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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