yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
