You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
