You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
