Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
