Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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