I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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