This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
