Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
did i walk over a car last night?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
