Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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