be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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