Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
