we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
