Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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