i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
