Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
