He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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