Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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