After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
