..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
