i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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