I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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