took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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