So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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