I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
