Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
