I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
