Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just blew my weed a kiss
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
