I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
