I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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