Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
