u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
