i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
