Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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