She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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