I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she was so not down for the gang bang
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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