I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Redeem this text for a blowjob
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
