I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
