I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
