please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
