Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
