I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
