Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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